First and foremost, let’s try not to bring religion into this, shall we? The only thing I might be more jaded about than romance is organized religion and I do not wish to alienate my readers by spewing my opinions of it. Ask me no questions and all that nonsense.
I’ve recently had quite a few conversations both on AVEN and in real life that involve the idea abstinence until marriage. As I am not married, this is obviously not a belief that I follow nor do I much like the idea of others following it. My reasoning stems almost entirely from stories I have heard on AVEN and other asexual sites, though it was something I had already considered long before discovering asexuality. As early as middle school I questioned the common sense involved in abstinence until marriage. I remember asking my teacher (I attended a Christian prep school, btw) “What if two people get married and one of them find out they don’t like sex?” My teacher’s response was, “No one is supposed to like sex. Sex is for making babies.” But that’s a different tirade in and of itself.
Case and point: As soon as I understood what sex was, I wondered if everyone likes sex, want it the same way, same amount, same position. Once my teachers started pushing this strange “abstinence until marriage” concept, those questions only got worse. What did couples do if they didn’t have the same sexual appetites? What if they couldn’t get past those differences? Back then I had no understanding of how important sex can be for some people nor how horrible of an experience it can be for others, so I assumed it would simply lead to no sex.
As an adult who has witnessed the rise and fall of more relationships than I care to count and read far too many stories about asexuals who found themselves married and unable to provide for their partner’s sexual needs, I can honestly say I now think abstinence until marriage is a fool’s errand. That hardly means that I think everyone should go around and shag every potential partner, but I do think that everyone, asexual or no, should seriously consider having sex once or twice with their partner if they intend to have a sexual relationship after marriage. Many of the asexuals I have spoken to truly regret not having sex until they were married. Had they known about their sexual apathy/repulsion/whatever other negative emotion, they would have been able to go into their relationship with their eyes open. Many would not have married, though others simply wish they had been able to discuss these issues with their partners beforehand and given them the chance to back out.
Just the same, I have met many sexuals with those same regrets. Whether their partner was asexual or not, they have been forced to cope with incompatible sexual appetites that put a huge strain on their marriage. While these incompatibilities are not the end-all, be-all of relationships, most partners would have preferred to go into those relationships with their eyes open instead of making the discovery on their wedding night and having to cope with them for the rest of their married lives.
This is why I’m opposed to abstinence until marriage: It’s bad enough that we live in a society where sex is always pushed as something wonderful that everyone enjoys, that you always want to have sex with the person you love, but then you add abstinence until marriage (and the annoying tendency towards those who push said abstinence to also encourage ignorance about sex) into the mix. Especially to those who are not aware of asexuality, it can feel like a trap. “Yay! We’re married! I can finally have sex!” an hour later “Oh no! They don’t like sex and I just absolutely love it! I want more!”
On a side note, I have been reading a few downright alarming comments from asexuals who are hiding behind the concept of abstinence until marriage. They are entering into serious relationships, some admitting their asexuality, some not, and using the cover of being abstinent until marriage to avoid having sex with their partner. Others are choosing abstinence for religious reasons, but it still stands that they are going into these relationships with partners who are sexual, who are going to be expecting sex, and will not have sex with them before they marry. As I have already made clear, I believe that this is a horrible idea, particularly for those who might have an aversion to sex, a low/no libido, or any other indication that they might not be able to easily compromise with their partner. This is paramount, in my opinion, to setting a trap for your partner. You know these issues might arise and yet you continue on as though they are unimportant.
I am begging you, any asexual who is considering such a route, please speak to someone (there are many people on AVEN) who have already been through this. Speak to some of the sexual partners about the pain that these sexual incompatibilities can cause or to the asexuals who found themselves trapped in miserable situations.
A/Sexy Tango 
*standing ovation* I understand why parents will tell their kids to wait till marriage, it’s a parental thing, but outside of that, waiting until marriage is just silly. You want to be compatible on as many fronts as possible, yet leave out a major one! I never understood it.
My brain dead self read “standing ovulation” for some reason. Anyway…
You have no idea how many times I re-read it to make sure it didn’t say ‘ovulation’.
I do that a lot, usually with insults and/or sexual words. I’ve lost count of all the times I’ll go to type one word and sometimes completely different (that is usually insulting) comes out.
My mother actually told me NOT to abstain, that I needed to know if a partner was compatible with me. And I agree with her and with you: abstinence before marriage, or hiding behind abstinence, is a silly idea because not only does it have the capability to ruin a relationship, but it’s also like leading your partner on, which is a trust issue.
Basically I share your opinion. Partners need to be able to be open with each other, which is why I’m always open with dates that I’m asexual. Because I think hiding something is a horrible way to start or sustain a relationship.
Amen to that. I think WHEN we come out depends a lot on the person we’re dating, but it should obviously be done before things get too serious. If they’re one of those people that is used to sex on a first date, then it needs to come out as soon as possible. Others might want to consider waiting until both partners are considering taking things further and addressing the issue then.
Yes, that’s true too: the timing of when you tell them is an important factor to consider. But it does need to come up and be a topic of discussion before either gets too attached, which complicates things. (I’ve experienced that whole get attached, find out you’re not compatible, and then pine over said person *headdesk*).
I grew up supporting abstinence because of my parents and knowing a couple of teenage mothers. When I thought I was bisexual, I wondered what would happen if I wound up with another woman and wasn’t able to get married. No sex ever? That didn’t sound reasonable. I also thought about how you can divorce and remarry a bunch of times, and it’d be like having several sexual partners before settling down. Kinda makes abstinence pointless.
I never considered the sexual aspect of my relationship until my partner brought up. I learned firsthand that you can’t ignore those desires. Like emotions, they can’t be bottled up inside too long (and being grey, I was starting to experience them and found an outlet through doing things in my sleep). I still hold to waiting until you’re both committed and ready to face the potential consequences, but I learned that you can’t pretend that sex doesn’t exist or can be ignored.
Good point. As I said, it’s hardly something to be done flippantly, but it’s also not something to be ignored until it’s too late.
The normal way people deal with this is oral or anal since they don’t count according to most young people. That way you can test out the goods without busting open the wares. Then you can find out any sexual incompatibilities earlier. Plus you talk about sex lots. It’s generally pretty obvious if someone is asexual.
I disagree. Most people don’t even know what asexuality IS, so many people simply assume they’re late bloomers or they’ll develop a taste for sex when it finally happens. And those from more conservative upbringings might end up with even more skewered ideas. It’s a very common pattern for couples who haven’t heard of asexuality.
People may not know about asexuality but they know how a frigid woman behaves. And there’s some overlap between asexuality and frigidity. You can lie to yourself, with ideas such as those you suggest, but it’s generally pretty obvious if she (and most are female, though not all) doesn’t like sex. Call you what you will.
There are asexuals who don’t like intercourse but enjoy other activities that most would associate with sex, such as making out, BDSM, and masturbating. There are also those who like having sex but don’t experience the drive to seek it or find that they’re not completely engaged by the act.
most people who don’t like sex are women? And are frigid? I thought that went out of style with Charlotte Perkins Gilman and the Yellow Wallpaper.
Every study I’ve seen on asexuality has shown that there are anywhere from twice to three times as many women who are asexual as men. Testosterone is known as the hormone of lust, and men have more of it.
Frigid is the word popular culture uses for people who don’t like sex, so yes, it is a tautology.
What went out of style?
Can an ordinary man in the street will explain what fashion brand watches in honor of the young man ‘s birthday ? strong need competent advice …